Sex

Hey, that got your attention, I bet!

As spring approaches, resident bats will start their evening flyovers. Or flyarounds. I’ve got bats in my cavity (stop sniggering in the back row). Nothing too exotic, just some pipistrelles. And, as I’ve been told by those that know about these things, they’re all fellas. I think I’ve mentioned them before.

A couple of hundred yards away, the ladies roost in the tower of the local church. People living nearer to the church say they can be a noisy lot; I suppose that’s ladies for you. Put a few together and you’ve got the constant gossip. So the fellas, who, on the one hand, don’t want to be too far away from the ladies but, on the other, want to get away from all that noise, hang about here and then nip down to the church for their bit of hanky panky before returning to the peace and quiet I offer them.

This pic has nothing really to do with this post. It’s just a gratuitous horny photo.

They spend a lot of time flying around the house, always in the same direction, feeding on flying critters that are daft enough to be flying in the evenings. Occasionally one gets diverted and comes into the house. Believe me, they’re cute. They don’t object too much when I detach them from the curtains or pop outside with a bat hanging from my shirt or hair and encourage it to fly off. I’ve never had a bat bite. Nor have they ever deposited their guano on my computer keyboard. I won’t mention the curtain cleaning – that was a pure accident. We fellas just hang out together and be, like, fellas.

Now c’mon, who says that’s not a little cutie?

But conventional wisdom says they do bite.

Stuff conventional wisdom, whoever he, she or it is. Another instance of Trump’s fake news! (OK, I promise not to mention that t**t again!).

I can also debunk conventional wisdom about another critter often found in gardens – slow worms. The RSPB web site has an interesting article:

I know from painful experience (blood was involved) that they DO bite if disturbed. As their diet includes slugs and snails, it follows that they must have some chomping capability. But that’s beside the point when we’re talking about sex, unless you’re into that sort of thing. The RSPB points out the different appearance of male and female slow worms. Now I’ve never seen a slow worm with a hint of grey (maybe they’re using Just For Men) or without that line down their back, either live or deposited in resident cat’s trophy area (I’ve tried to tell him that killing slow worms deliberately is a criminal offence but he just looks at me and blinks slowly, which is how cats convey positive vibes; fast blinking means look out).

Now as the population of slow worms seems to be growing year-on-year, it follows that there must be a bit of sex happening. Ergo, there must be fellas around somewhere.

Maybe, slow worm fellas are sensible, like bats, and snuggle up to the females when they want their wicked way before retiring to the bachelor pad for a bit of peace and quiet. They’re also better at hiding from resident cat than the females.

Oh, and talking about sex, resident frogs started their annual orgy today. Time to cut back the pond plants.

 

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16 thoughts on “Sex

  1. Hi John, I’ve hopped over from The Anxious Gardener to say hello. We find quite a few slow worms in our garden, too, and I have seen male and females – in the compost heap, under rocks, etc – but luckily have not been bitten. Our cats have also found them and I have almost trodden on half a slow worm on several occasions… As you say, cats don’t care about the law. Thank you for the mention in the blog lists on your website. I had no idea there were so many other gardening blogs out there, so it’s great to see them all listed. That must’ve taken ages – well done! Best wishes, Sam (from acoastalplot)

    1. Hi Sam. Thanks for dropping by. Funny, I was having another look at your blog last evening (when I realised that I’d got your blog listed on the wrong page (I ignore As and THEs and index by the first “proper” word) so great minds think alike. Resident cat admits to killing about half-a-dozen slow worms every year (admitting=leaving the remains in his “trophy area” for my examination) which is, at least, less than his tally of moles. The list of other blogs on my web site (now nearly 120) is only a fraction of the gardening blogs out there. I’ve got everyone who gave details on David’s blog on the list but am still working through a longish list of other links as time allows. I’m enjoying doing it as it’s a nice accompaniment to the evening glass* of wine.

      *whenever I type “glass” the “E” and “S” keys on my keyboard seem to become disabled.

  2. Well your “Sex” hook worked on me, John (I’m so predictable). If disappointed at the general lack of smut, I was very happy to read about slow-worms and bats. I’ve seen the former in our new garden and had to pick one up as it needed rescuing. I’ve handed them lots of times actually but never been bitten, and like the RSPB, didn’t realise they could. Perhaps yours is a new, long-fanged, Welsh species? We used to live in a cottage with, in our loft, the 3rd largest maternity roost of serotine bats in the country. Pipistrelles too. It’s a fact of which I’m still very proud and keen to bore anyone about. We often had various bat-twitchers and bat-science folk in our garden breathless with excitement. We gave them tea and biscuits in gratitude for their interest. D

    1. And the whole Twitterverse now knows what you think about sex. Nudge, nudge, wink, wink, say no more. My lips are sealed.

    1. If I were you, I’d be careful about reading that Anxious Gardener’s posts. He’s really into sex you know! Thinks it’s awesome. And I know he’s going to read this reply and dash to South Wales to beat me up. If that mystifies you, watch out for next Tuesday’s seedy post when all will be revealed (figuratively speaking, of course). We’re friends really 😉

  3. Hi John, have some chocolate!

    Adding a pond to your garden is one of the best things you can do and it’s amazing how quick wildlife finds it. I get Bats (no idea which type) flying over it at night eating insects, newts arrived, Frogs appeared as well as Toads and when you look closely in the water there are thousands of little creatures. My favourite time for the pond now is waiting for all the Frogs to start spawning. The other year I managed to take a photo with 50 frogs in the one shot, last year I captured 85 in the one photo, this year I’m hoping for more because while I’m around the garden I constantly find frogs in the long grass.

    https://ourlittlefield.blogspot.co.uk/2016/03/frogs.html

    Haven’t had a slow worm yet, and have only ever seen one before but I know there are grass snakes in the field next to me.

    Keep up the blogging 🙂 with or without the click bait!

    1. Thanks Andy. I rarely manage to get photos of the frogs here. Whether it’s vibration (I try not to cast a shadow) or what I don’t know but they all submerge quickly unless one or two get caught above planting baskets which put the brakes on their dive. Others have suggested I get a better camera with a proper telephoto lens but whilst I enjoy taking photos, I’m not into photography that much! I agree there’s lots to look at in the water. Have you managed to catch dragonfly nymphs yet? Now they’re alien! I occasionally see grass snakes and adders in the garden; the former may be resident whilst the latter are usually found near to the “hog holes” in the fences in spring. Real fun time here is just after tadpoles morph into froglets. Those 1″ babies have a death wish, hopping into the path of the lawn mower all the time.

  4. Many years ago we lived next to a lake which the toads migrated to for their spring orgy. It was difficult to step out the door without treading on one. This sex thing gets everywhere!

    1. Hi Brian. I’m about half a mile away from a small river but, otherwise there are no nearby water sources. No-one’s ever found frogs at the river. But the frogs found my pond pretty quickly. And they have very noisy nookie!

    1. Thanks Gill. By the way, I think you need to keep an eye on WordPress. It’s giving out too much away about you and inviting us to pop over to watch!
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        1. Not me, Guv. I think it was resident cat wot done it (with a Dreamie just inside the cat flap).

  5. Just found you via David’s recent post – I can see I’m going to enjoy following your blog, John. Lots of snakes in my garden too, now I know they can all bite I might start wearing heavy duty wellies all year round ….

    1. You’re unlikely to get that close to slow worms or snakes with your feet – they’ll get away from the vibration as you walk near them. I also get grass snakes and adders here occasionally and they scarper as I get close. It’s when shoving your hands into the compost heap that you need to be careful. Though I’ve never found one in mine, I’ve been introduced to an adder dozing in someone else’s compost bin so maybe I need to wear stout gloves a bit more when messing about in my garden waste. And I hate wearing wellies unless paddling about in the pond (which is when I discover the leak in my wellies!) 😉

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